July 12

Last night as we sang happy birthday to Midnight (Tricia's black Webkin horse) and lit two birthday candles in his honor. I realized that it also marked another day. It has been five years since my Mom's death. We had a family fast and met together for prayer when she got the news about her cancer. She told us that night that we were hurting because the news was so fresh and eventually it wouldn't hurt so much. She was right. It doesn't hurt so much, but still there is an empty space. I miss having someone to brag to about my children. I miss the cheer leading and her empathy and her wisdom in helping me with my struggles.
For my birthday this year Alison made me copies of some letters that Mom had written us my first year at BYU. She wrote weekly from September to February. (I think they ended there because Michael had his brain abscess). She wrote from her typewriter, making an original and a carbon copy and then personalizing them for each of us. She wrote neighborhood news, daily ups and downs and the funny things that had happened with various family members. It was very much "her". Her voice, her personality, her opinions and her wit. Here are a couple of samples:

"I talked to my Mom this morning. She said she had called each of you over the weekend. I think if you don't get so you call her every now and again, I will cut you out of my will. And I have some good things to leave some lucky person...Year old potato sprouts, 6 darling, intelligent obedient children, a 20 year old truck filled with used linoleum, handmade Raggedy Ann and Andy wigs made from turkey bags, two antique robes perfect for those blue days, a closet full of clothes that Deseret Industries would kill to have, six slightly used but personalized garbage cans, a box collection perfect for Christmas wrapping, if you can find enough tape to keep the boxes together, and lots of other valuable and unique treasures. So you had better get those calls going."

"I have been rather "down" lately about Nathan and Michael. Seems like my attitude had changed from "things could be worse" to "things could be a lot better". I know that attitude is not "church approved" and I have done alot of thinking about it. Just a few days ago I had a thought that helped me. The scriptures tell us over and over again that we should have grateful hearts, should sing praises of thanks to the Lord, etc. It's as though the Lord is commanding us to be grateful. I've decided that the reason it is important to be thankful and grateful is that it keeps us from the more negative attitudes of wanting more and not appreciating what we have. I have the feeling that if we knew the ways the Lord blesses us, we would be amazed and extremely thankful to Him. I'm sure that his hand is in our lives more than we can ever imagine, and it is directly because of Him that things are not a whole lot worse."

Besides bringing back so many memories, these have been especially meaningful to me now because I am in the same stage of life as she was when she wrote them. I'm so grateful Alison had the forsight to save them.